How do I fix my problems?

Well, i moved home. It’s strange here. When i drove in I felt recognition like I’ve mentally been here the whole time. Washington was like a nightmare… I could barely imagine it was happening when I was there.

Now I’m back, at 26.5 living with my family. This is something like the third time I’ve moved back into this green walled room. Each time I plan to stay out and truly stand my feet. But then my mom buys me a ticket to Europe. I’m unstable in my jobs, so that never held me back. At first I was looking for the perfect town to live in. I never found it… going around the country 3 literal times. But I did find peace, in pieces of time, in rooms that I made my home, where I could see myself around me, in spaces I could grow.

She, my mother, is not a roommate. Well, I don’t pay rent. And we don’t have equal standing in our public spaces.

Maybe I should start a non-profit to build some, Denmark-like, group housing collectives. I wonder how they are subsadised there?

What do I work With? ; Where does it Hurt?

Night: {in silent moments of the dark and weary, cold and dreary, feeling worry body;mind repository. This the sauna, off and away under a layering of wood floors, carcass of a home score, did not catch her blanket/warm sweat: pulling, tight enough, not cardiac enough, to breath the life from this girls lips… Her breath’s a lover, that loyal friend, a lawyer, like a pet, to a tantalized soft scent: The dream continues, and its real. In her, the memory presides; In possibility, it resides, and holds her fast, the ankle, tied..
~ As in: A French revolt, again, subsides a side.. ; the subsumed do find their masters, the barriers.

And text again will here preside.}

I lay in bed with a head big as a balloon with thoughts that fill the space like darts, ready to pop, most anything they lay their soft touch on. {The whisper’s kiss} This self’s been laid, herself to rest, to catch the sleep, well planned, before tomorrow’s coming day. Can she have it her way, sleep?
Tomorrow a job is set for me, to be a shift manager, with responsibility. Not a magazine designer. Just a bread and butter maker… barely enough penny saver, with some responsibility. Will I get fat and ugly, in this job that I don’t want to be? I’m pondering, in grey. Since yesterday, the thoughts stand over me.
C and I have a plan, a magazine. I don’t think that she’s as excited as me, to publish it; she says that she can make time for it, like 3 days in a 7 multi-purpose week. But I asked for us to focus every day to it. These are my night time thoughts before tomorrow’s word day, before I go to sleep.
Set my dream, make it real, cause its reach, its speech. So that one day, that can speak through me, to a civilized society. Can I be without reacting to altercations, poking at me like spears of the cards who move Alice abroad? No. I ponder following them, seeking the pin prick, gently pain, speaking to the cycling sane repository. Maybe it’s like eeaking another jump, like another shot of coffee, from of me. I know, it’s crazy, but that’s what this simple daily, main stream, job is for me. Pure, well structured, misery… like a torture that Mr.NightOwl, in a black Zorro mask, would like to share. (‘Stress-be’ that reality) That after work I play, and after play… I wonder why. And break an escape to sunny day, by a river, and grasses, and soft nature. 
But The challenges are the choice that make society.

~ ::: –
Tonight, I told this experience to somebody that I felt comfortable around. He gave me sentences toward falling in line + calming down. I don’t know if I’ll feel comfortable around him so much anymore.
We never kissed and his touch is only starting to reach me. Otherwise we would already be known. ~The structure of friendship, she doesn’t break so easily. But lovers who have not touched, may never. It’s not a pure deal breaker, I’m just saying, I’m frustrated.

It is exhausting to not be around people who understand one. In fact much of society deals with this.

I say, “I’ve been stagnant, idling in coffee shops: as in behind the counter… or in front, at a table or before the windows break where talking to new strangers on benches, is probably the best use I’ve made of any cafe. Except to expel piles of words in notebooks, some though have never seen another’s eye, only practiced my inner smile.
I have idled nights with craft beers, brews and cute boy’s faces, whiffs of witchness and tantalizing moments that I didn’t know before. Then, idle daytime mornings of recovery, striding the bull of self doubt, jealousy to a better possibility… onward to inspired nights of crazy poetry.

Then the bad mixes with the good and I have a peanut butter sandwich, thick and sticky, nurturing such that my stomach hurts from it, Dear Society.

Y. Bh

A pile-ethora of linguistic prose.

This blog is a compilation. A mass compilation of everything that I have said online.

I’ve piled many writings from previous blogs into here already. You can recognize them by the tone of youth that radiates… But others are yet to come. I recommend patiently ignoring many posts, unless you are better than me, and interested in all of soil and compost.

Coursicca Man

Black velvet secrets; of a long,

rolling,

hill arms.

Touch

behind her hair, just there

behind where the line of her hair only starts.

And her face smiles

through the darkness.

On the other side,

saying, by it, as if to,

from,

and by silent stars,

starts,

“Come, can you play?”

~July/2014

He walks silently down a work-ed street, a daunted street, a street for work, forward. Others have already run to their morning responsibilities - to a place to stay/stand behind a counter, or with strong arms, to lift heavy boxes - maybe at port, near some chain linked silvery-black shadow'd fence, physical labor job.
His work is intellectual, unintelligible,  of visions seeking+seeing. His shoes are a dark brown, like a tiger's ass-skin, strong, and subtle. Obviously, he steps with pride in them, smoothly strolling.
His suit is also brown, and woven. Today he may or probably not - the day, speaks summer breeze, wear a tie or a neck piece - like he remembers the 15th century.

Walking on Rocks, and the little white sac

Isn’t it funny that when the page opens the thoughts are different?

I feel like I am in a cocoon. a web wrap: the web that I spun around myself yesterday, in another place, I have pulled in here, leaving no highway/thick river strands out for a breath of connection to glide down. The small strands I imagine still out, give way under the weight of the social information and feeling that they have to transfer. I am afraid that they will break and I will be left to fully incubate.

And what If I leave again an angry mess of wasted time? What if I’m really already a butterfly, or not that sort of creature at all!? I do feel like a worm.

Last time this sort of moment happened, I was obsessed with flies… that some larva turn into flies, not butterflies. That darkness drove me around the country once until I settled in a high leftern corner… there dark coffee, candle lit nights in an old Victorian house on a highway in the midst of nowhere meadow drove my dark witch out into expression. Various jobs washed me through, different people who I met, and now I am home again…

The washing, the rub against me cleansing / exfoliation that society creates. It’s predominant, its mandatory. Or I will grow calcified and coarse. For my habits are not so pure and smooth. Coffee is not good without expression… my heart must beat a thousand words, diamond spun into a breathing web … I feel like I am running in place. ~ which is of course what I do in the morning, in that satisfying Kundalini practice – crossing dark matter black holes of possibility that I pull from, and running forward to a new reality. I do feel like I am on a trajectory… I’m afraid of it looping back into a problem. But, of course, where else would it go? but to solve what was not resolved. This is a knot perception of the world unfolding that I hold – that we resolve back to the problem… And of course, when there are not problems, then we shall find one, always walking on rocks.

Bellow is a tarot card that carried some information for me yesterday. I was feeling very motivated that day.

Universe shares insight: “Meaning: The most potent act of the mind is to conceive of an idea and manifest it into practical, material realty. This means being able to formulate and marshal your thoughts to bring about a real-world change, or transmutation of a wish, dream or desire, making it physically happen. Reading points: […] Human beings seem unique in their ability to interact with the material world and yet have a foot in the otherworld of the mind, imagination and creative will. […] The primal rock is decorated with ancient cup-and-ring markings to express the emergence of creation and the cycles of energies within the universal consciousness and the still and stable point from which to plan and empower your life, fulfilling your material dreams.” http://ak-agency.myds.me/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Wildwood_tips.pdf
That’s it for today. Thank you

On All Hallow’s Eve : The Mantis Songs

Prequel : {A bounce back from the previous poem ‘Serendipitous to You’}
Short: Nothing to stand upon
How could I allow myself to write so soft,
Release and reflect, quotations of the springs illusions,
Just before the falls delusions, frozen, cold, contamination ready to ferment.
And freeze my poem stiff.
… To see two lovers in delusion?
The heart in my mind crumbles a continuous confusion
Like shattered stained and wrongly poisoned glass.
It suffers more than the warmth which stays inside of my being me.
Someday past the alcohol colored eyes of my crying.
…’He’s busy’
Me too, with my mind full.
Complicated, complexing, confused confusion about a beautiful nothing.
Just like the poem itself; nothing to stand on.]

By night time singing,
Wondered she,

“How could I allow myself to write so softly,
in a confusion to release so elegantly,
To reflect, quotations of the spring’s illusion?”

The time was just before
The coming fall’s delusion. When a frozen,
Thus,
a cold,
contamination, of a fallen season
Set itself steadily upon the the ground,

And it was ready to
Ferment.
Pop the top off yet another
year

“Now the season’s cold soft crying skies
have come to freeze
my poem’s
twinkling eyes.” Said she,
“It is a setting sun,
This man, with whom I want to be,
who’s ready to run fast and far
Away into a dark abyss –
Into the night of a million memories.”

He was leo,
Steady and spiraling around her earth,
confusion.

“He’s moving.
We’ll become memories
As corpses fall into a hollow
Wrinkled temporary, Saison.
He’ll be a far off star,
Winking at me, as from a dream”

Barely awake, except through the fire of emotion,
her eyeballs were masked by drunkenness,
red of crying, they sang of
unslept morning,
They spoke in the rhythm of lies,
Fermenting
her confusion,
upon his peaceful sunrise.

In her mind, was ready rest,
to lay upon his body,
Feelingwise, she craved, maybe just one more
…waved rise.
A sticky sprinkling of fall seed..
Thought she,
“A hidden gift to remind me,
will you leave?
If it’s not your permanent hand to comfort these,
old sailor woes
Then I will silently cry for…”
maybe, a baby

:
“Hurry now and gather rainbow leaves,
These last dropping of the summer’s trees.
For soft changes, set like frost
and turn our faces, from sun set
to, in the darkness
lost.”

Lamented She,
“The tears, these icicles on my fermenting cheeks,
will also turn to frozen pond, our emotional playground”
Exaggerated, thus, She spoke: “And then only lasers
and diamond hearts…”
A sigh, “Something of buddha mind,”
And before some light, whispered she
“May make what’s set between us art.”

Hollow’s Eve Pt. 2 – A lamentation of delusion

“Did I try to see two lovers?
the heart in my mind
Crumbles into a continuously
soft confusion.
Like soft petals
of the trees
that crack and shatter;
They are leavings.”

“These images seem to me, to be
like stained,
clearly unclear,
Like me… thus then, because of this …
Does he not see,
that being I need from him,
to not leave?”

She knew, some see a fermentation dirty,
soiled and old
Old world ideas, turned to a rot-in gold.
Spit words fallen off of what’s meant to be angelic sky.
And out of the contextual angle of The Spring,

A confusion, fallen by reprise
Was eager for warmth in cooling eyes,
They were like fall’s blue skies; He was.

“I say to you,
Do you not want me, fermenting, exclusively?”

She felt alone, but for her similarly bottled up company.
People left in wrongly poisoned
bodies of tender transparency.

Hallow’s Eve Pt. 3

“I see through these tall clear bottles like the trunks of trees,
Through them are my fallen worries.
In the winds we’re dancing
crystal-cell memories of long forgotten dreams –
Stories of who I with … :(.. could be.”

These hallway hanging thoughts went long ago
to hiding
‘I’m finding fragments, Photos of a different season’s setting sun.’
Thought she,
“Once borrowed from my warmth, ….
In retrospect,
I am at home within my season’s trench, and it
is dug by the roots of their
once exposed bodies.”

Break now and make the crystal shatters
“Let this crying morning,
form my winter’s ice.”
The season leaves of Maiden, past the Mother, of what never came,
Now let it turn to Crone.
Call to me, a storm.”

‘For this idea mind,
it suffers more
than the warmth
which stays inside
of my being me.’
: A soft death.

Now away from him, softly thought she,
“Someday past the alcohol colored eyes of my crying,
I hear it like a wind whispering a story to me
‘He’s busy’
And I too, am,
now with my mind
complicated and full of complexing
Writings
Absurd lies like
soft quilts
of a fallen winter’s season
A crystal fabricated story,
Some delusions
of warmth ,..
that burns cool to my touch:
for he alone doesn’t hear
these ideas
or see what they speak
Because,
he is busy….”

Thus it becomes like ice
that this confused and growing memory is
liquid from from the dumpster,
like the city slicks,
She comes Into a bottle, dumpster dives, to find
a beautiful nothing.

“I’ve found a fall, broken bottle colored,
just like a word smithed tapestry
that tricked even me,
Its color made in delicate rips like ribs of my emotion;
soft words, as smiling petals
Pedal past a fall of restful eyes,
of lying skies
The sun is not for warmth this season,
When the wind,
on its horse of winter’s form
Makes deeply crying eyes
fold before me, origami pages
and closes,
something more.
Lies fly on
petal wings and delicate memories of sapphire strings.”

“I saw, that one of us had mantis eyes;
Praying,
For the last one standing, is the one that sings.”

SERENDIPITIOUS to you

{Pretense} : I write, a waving flag from my palm one to catch tears and runny noses as it flappers in the wind; 
One, the color of the, 
your, 
grey moon. 
My, grey mood of agreement, 
in days with you : A peace flag, to you.


-


There are places, misspaced
there are objects out of place
and thoughts and words
about them.

There are moments
with people, finding each other.

There are sunny days that go by.

There is a yearning cyclical churning,
to milk the novelty

And days gone by
remember your fresh sweet
face
And smiles like petals fallen from
the sky

There are days gone by
trailing fingers on a dark stone
wall,
Walking in a city space, along a labyrinth,

There's quitting what was wrong
and making space for what's new.

There are days gone by, and moments
with you.

Rippedaged Wallet

I am a dark bar, with spinning brown panes, like palm leaves, in a deep mold :

Detroit… Detoi, like French origin. Elegant grunge – is a brand name that comes out of here. It encapsulates it perfectly.

~

Before a seated woman,
Upright on its one leg,
Stands, an Orange Burnt-Martini,
Which she, with her Russian mind, scents of fish
, like Caviar.
– Fish at the deep of the ocean. Orange, sunken ship of the tropics.
Lights crescendo.
A fallen enlightenment is reborn,
This burnt down city is
Through a mechanic hardness, made social.

My town’s society is industrial socialization,
There is slick black oil.
We hide behind the sleek,
Perfection of the suburbs.

We
Turn black the petals wretched,
Rust tipped, tired, forgotten, or unsocialized gears hide in the oil
Which makes it through, between. And puddles.
(This perfect eon of civilized society.)

In the dim candle light,
– of this restaurant, the ‘Black Pearl’, she, moved, home, to a broken, burnt city, sunken Michigan –
Is dressed in a sleek attire.
Her heals are thick and speak to her: “We are of New York. We are the same as this martini.”
“Because you’re having this alone, and must be strong
: Thick, as if we’re grounded.”
Said the heals, ” even in this up raised distrortion,
This absurd … >” ; Her martini.

This is, a woman alone at the bar;
This is, not a scene out of the city…
The suburbs feast here.
The money flows to here,
To sweet night,
It grows here.

A stranger out in the rain asked her for money:
“Why would a young woman dress in a blazer and heals in this city?: Alone in the late night.”
~ Sophistication wants its home; – To drink alone.

Her minimum wage hostessing job finds travel in strangeness.
This moment is a youngish woman
alone with a martini. On a Tuesday.

Virtual Characters Help Build Real Stories

Virtual worlds are providing a new and exciting, interactive landscape for writers. One such place is Nara’s Nook, an OpenSim grid on which which authors gather weekly to discuss their projects and to share or promote published work.

Magic Storybook in Greyville. (Image courtesy Nara Malone.)

But grid owner Nara Malone takes this a step further. She actually develops fictional characters for her stories on the grid.

“When I am ready to write a new book, I create the characters and the settings in-world,” she told Hypergrid Business. “Once the world starts to feel real to me, the story starts to unfold in my mind.”

She isn’t alone.

“I think all the authors here find the virtual helps them do the writing and discover new angles to the stories they might not have otherwise,” she said.

Mixing idea spaces and technology, the creative landscape of virtual realities is helping to develop creative ideas. And this trend isn’t limited to just OpenSim.

“We are seeing a move toward interactive fiction in the publishing world,” said Malone. “Transmedia storytelling is an exciting and challenging way to tell stories.

Characters come to live

The authors use a feature called NPCs — non-player characters — which came to OpenSim three years ago as a result of a bounty by Birmingham, U.K.-based Daden Ltd., which needed these automated characters, or bots, to create training simulations.

These NPCs, or chatbots, have a store of information that they can use to interact with visitors, such as the werewolf telling her story in the video below:

[Not included in this copy of the original article. But it can be seen here: http://www.hypergridbusiness.com/2014/09/virtual-characters-help-build-real-stories/%5D

“I use many NPCs around the colony,” Malone said, referring to the Greyville Colony area of the grid. “They help us get a clear vision of characters.”

Community effort

Malone didn’t build Nara’s Nook all on her own. Two other authors, Tina Glasneck and Siobhan Muir, are also part of the project. Three three met virtually.

Now the team is reaching out to other writers who are interesting in exploring virtuality.

“If you are brand new, get in touch with us and we will help you get started,” she said.

One place to begin is with her post An Author’s Guide to the Metaverse & How to visit Greyville Colony., which covers the basics of installing a viewer and logging in to Nara’s Nook for the first time.

Writers can also follow Malone via her Facebook page or her Google Plus account.

“They can message me and I will arrange to meet them inworld and walk them through getting around,” she said. “If you join the Metaverse Authors group on Google Plus or on Facebook — you do not have to be an author to join us — you will find our crew there ready to answer your questions and actively engaging in discussions about virtual life.”

 

~

This article was written for Hypergrid Business

Proto Awards submission deadline Monday

Proto AwardsThe Virtual Reality Foundation will holds its first-ever virtual reality award show The Proto Awards in Los Angeles on September 19 — and the deadline for nominations is this coming Monday.

The Foundation will give out awards in several virtual reality-related categories, including art direction and design, interactive and social experience, sound and score, transportive experience, and innovation.

Nominees, for general members to vote on, are selected by the Proto Awards board of governors, which is comprised of founders of virtual reality Meetups and luminaries from organizations like DeviantArt, 20th Century Fox, VirtualReality.io, and Road to VR blog.

“The Protos will host 400 of virtual reality’s biggest thinkers, developers, and dreamers.” said the Virtual Reality Foundation, and with a nod to the ancient Greek word for pioneer, protopóros, the Protos Awards is inspired to “bring attention to” and celebrate “the pioneering spirit of the Virtual Reality community”.

Founding sponsorship for the awards ceremony comes from the global technology company, Nvidia. The location of the Proto Awards ceremony, the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, was the site of the first Academy Awards ceremony in 1929.

The Oculus Connect conference will be held the same weekend, just across the street from the hotel.

Although both The Proto Awards and Oculus Connect will be real-life, in-person conferences, two purely virtual events are scheduled for later in the fall.

They include the OpenSimulator Community Conference on November 8 and 9, and the Virtual Reality Awards on November 28.

 

~

This article is originally published at Hypergrid Business